I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
