Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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