onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
