It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
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I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
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I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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