He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
