I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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