Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
