If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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