i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
