Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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