We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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