Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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