When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
