He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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