all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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