nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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