I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
