when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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