i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
