Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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