somebody snuck up and got me drunk
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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