get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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