If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
