I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
