Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
