wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
