I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
