I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
