we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
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I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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