the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
