Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
