you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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