Can i not drive my cunt home
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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