he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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