i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
