normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
