smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
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