I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
