im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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