remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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