it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
