I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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