I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
