filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
