i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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