i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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