im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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