I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
