my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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