She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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