I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
