Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
