I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
