So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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