I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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