Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
