i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
