I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
