why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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