I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
barbara walters just said penis...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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