and next time when you feel me up, do it right
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
