Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
