u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
